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“You’re Not the Boss of Me!” - Helping Kids Find a Healthy Sense of Self

“You’re Not the Boss of Me!” - Helping Kids Find a Healthy Sense of Self

 Based on Silver's new book, Fall Down 7 Times, Get Up 8: Teaching Kids to Succeed

“You are not the boss of me!” “You can’t tell me what to do!” “I want to do it my way!” These are age-old proclamations from young people who want to declare their independence. Edward Deci and Richard Ryan (Deci, 1995), founders of self-determination theory, believe that autonomy, competence, and relatedness are essential in helping children to become self-actualized individuals. The concept of autonomy is particularly worth exploring because it not only helps build a growth mindset, but it also helps to instill a healthy sense of independence in kids.

Children perceive their circumstances as either autonomous or as controlled. With a perception of autonomy, individuals are willing to do what they are doing and embrace the activity with a sense of interest and commitment. If the situation is perceived as controlling, they will act without a sense of personal endorsement; they feel manipulated. Autonomy does not necessarily mean that one has strictly to “go it alone,” but rather it means that one is acting with a sense of choice and volition. This can happen simultaneously while one is enjoying interdependence with others.

5 Tips on Promoting Autonomy in Learners

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The Art (and Science) of Giving Kids Feedback: 3 Rules to Remember

The Art (and Science) of Giving Kids Feedback: 3 Rules to Remember

Giving a child feedback – both criticism and praise - is more than just useful; it’s essential. While it may be hard for kids to get motivated, it’s impossible for them to stay motivated when they aren’t sure if they’re on the right track.  Giving well-crafted, frequent feedback is one of our most important jobs as parents and teachers. 

But as every one of us knows, sometimes the feedback we give doesn’t seem to be all that motivating.  Even with the best intentions, our words of encouragement or disapproval can easily backfire or seem to fall on deaf ears, and many of us have a hard time understanding why. 

Luckily, scientific studies on motivation have shed light on why some types of feedback work and others don’t.  If you’ve gotten it wrong in the past (and who hasn’t?), then you can do a better job of giving feedback from now on by sticking to three simple rules:

  • Rule #1: When things go wrong, keep it real.  It’s not easy to tell a child that they screwed up, and knowing this may cause anxiety, disappointment or embarrassment.  But don’t make the mistake of protecting a child’s feelings at the expense of telling them what they truly need to hear.  Remember that without honest feedback, kids can’t possibly figure out what to do differently next time. 

Also, don’t take away a child’s sense of responsibility for what went wrong (assuming he or she is in fact to blame), just because you don’t want to be “hard” on them.  Letting children off the hook for their own mistakes, telling them that they “tried their best” when it’s clear that they didn’t, may leave kids feeling powerless to improve.

  • Rule #2: When things go wrong, fight self-doubt.  Children need to believe that success is within reach, no matter what mistakes they have made in the past.  To do this,

Be specific.   What needs improvement, and what exactly can be done to improve?
Emphasize actions that they have the power to change. Talk about aspects of performance that are under their control, like the time and effort that were put into a practicing, or the study method which was used.

Avoid praising effort when it didn’t pay off. Many parents try to console their child by saying things like “Well honey, you didn’t do very well, but you worked hard and really tried your best.”  Why does anyonethink that this is comforting?  For the record – it’s not.  (Unless, of course, it was a no-win situation from the start).

Studies show that, after a failure, being complimented for “effort” not only makes kids feel stupid, it also leaves them feeling like they can’t improve.  In these instances, it’s really best to stick to purely informational feedback – if effort isn’t the problem, help them figure out what is.

  • Rule #3: When things go right, avoid praising ability.  I know we all like to hear how smart and talented we are, and so naturally we assume that it’s what kids want to hear too.  Of course they do.  But it’s not what they need to hear to stay motivated.

Studies conducted by Carol Dweck and her colleagues show that when children are praised for having high ability, it leaves them more vulnerable to self-doubt when they are faced with a challenge later.  If being successful means that a child is “smart,” then they’re likely to conclude that they aren’t smart when having a harder time. 

Make sure that you also praise aspects of your child’s performance that were under their control.  Talk about a creative approach, careful planning, persistence and effort, and a positive attitude.  Praise actions, not just abilities. That way, when your child runs into trouble later on, they’ll remember what helped them to succeed in the past and put that knowledge to good use.

About the Author:

Dr. Heidi Grant Halvorson is a motivational psychologist, researcher, and mother of two. (She was fortunate to have Carol Dweck as her graduate advisor, mentor, colleague, and second mom.)  She blogs regularly for Huffington Post, Psychology Today, Harvard Business Review, and Fast Company, where she writes about goals, achievement, relationships and finding happiness.  Her new book is titled: Succeed: How We Can Reach Our Goals (Hudson Street Press).   You can read her blog posts and find out more about the book at www.heidigranthalvorson.com.

Follow Dr. Halvorson on Twitter at @hghalvorson

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Enjoying the Journey of Parenting

PCI Certified Parent Coach, Nita Talwar, on how to approach parenting challenges using Mindset techniques

My journey through life has led me to many unexpected places, from various roles in the apparel industry to an executive position in the home industry, then later into freelance photography. Now, as a PCI-certified Parent Coach, I feel that I have come closer to my authentic self and found my ideal vocation. Although I truly enjoy my role of helping others, I have arrived here through successfully overcoming bumps in the road both professionally and personally. Setbacks ranging from career disappointments to health crises have taught me the importance of a Growth Mindset. I have now progressed into a vocation that I am passionate. Would you say that I have a Growth Mindset? I say yes, and no. It is a something that I continuously work on.

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